I have a list of wants.
I have a list of what I can't do anymore.
I have a calendar in my head marking off the days until I walk again. Until I don't have to ask for help. Until I don't have to ask for something to drink. Until I can start my own shower. Until I can pick up my crying child. Until I can wash clothes. Until I can cook.
But I wait and try to block out those list and come up with new list. Can you laugh at my Type A personality and my list? I need new list. List of what God is teaching me. I never saw myself as impatient. But as I wait for a drink or help to move my leg...I see my heart and how before the accident I rushed through life. Rushed to serve. Rushed to get through my daily list of must do's. Skipping over the important things. The faces I clean dirt off might just needed a kiss too. I don't deserve to ask God why...and I believe His plan is best. I believe He finally has me still. So I am learning how to be still and find happiness in this moment. I am learning how to be a mommy in this condition. I am learning how to be a wife in this condition. I am learning how to be a friend in this condition. I need your prayers...
Friday, May 28, 2010
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Day 1
2 Corinthians 12:9-10 : "9But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
I have been released from the hospital and I am at my therapy home...aka mother's house. I got my first semi bath today. My engineering husband rigged me a seat in the bathtub with my broke part hanging over the edge. I then got to pour water over my head with a small cup. If you know me at all, you know I love a bath tub at night time and a shower in the morning. This is killing me...but I closed my eyes and pretended to be warm and was thankful for clean hair.
I have physical therapy exercises to do each day twice a day. It hurts. But I am so determined to walk, I know I have to do the work. My body occasionally goes into shock during exercises and just walking across the house causes my lips to quiver with pain. I use a rolling walker to walk. All the running I have done has helped my quads and thighs...now the walker is helping my biceps and stomach muscles. I am using muscles I have not used in a long time.
Depression hits me in waves. I have half of my house packed and moved. The rest of my house needs to be packed. And yet I am at neither of the 2 places pretending it will all work out. I have VBS in two weeks and I can't sit up for more then an hour. I have kids to entertain this summer and I can't drive or swim. So I pray...
I have been released from the hospital and I am at my therapy home...aka mother's house. I got my first semi bath today. My engineering husband rigged me a seat in the bathtub with my broke part hanging over the edge. I then got to pour water over my head with a small cup. If you know me at all, you know I love a bath tub at night time and a shower in the morning. This is killing me...but I closed my eyes and pretended to be warm and was thankful for clean hair.
I have physical therapy exercises to do each day twice a day. It hurts. But I am so determined to walk, I know I have to do the work. My body occasionally goes into shock during exercises and just walking across the house causes my lips to quiver with pain. I use a rolling walker to walk. All the running I have done has helped my quads and thighs...now the walker is helping my biceps and stomach muscles. I am using muscles I have not used in a long time.
Depression hits me in waves. I have half of my house packed and moved. The rest of my house needs to be packed. And yet I am at neither of the 2 places pretending it will all work out. I have VBS in two weeks and I can't sit up for more then an hour. I have kids to entertain this summer and I can't drive or swim. So I pray...
Monday, May 24, 2010
Broken
just looking at the picture on my blog makes me cry
two perfect feet
able to walk
able to sit with feet hanging down
feet in the sand
feet with flip flops
it all changed in a matter of seconds for me on Saturday
four cement steps
wet with clorox and water from a hard days work
down, down, and crack
closed my eyes and then looked to see my right foot pointing in the opposite direction
gripped by fear and paralyzed by pain
bone almost through the skin
firemen, paramedics, ambulance ride
drugs, screaming, hand holding
crying, crying, crying
prayers, silent prayers, loud prayers
waiting, waiting, waiting
a 3.5 hour surgery
pins, screws, plates
physical therapy
non weight bearing for up to a month
unbearable pain
can't see past today
But resting in the fact that this is the plan God had for me. This was the best plan. Let Him be glorified through my weakness. May my strength be His strength... Jesus Bring the Rain
two perfect feet
able to walk
able to sit with feet hanging down
feet in the sand
feet with flip flops
it all changed in a matter of seconds for me on Saturday
four cement steps
wet with clorox and water from a hard days work
down, down, and crack
closed my eyes and then looked to see my right foot pointing in the opposite direction
gripped by fear and paralyzed by pain
bone almost through the skin
firemen, paramedics, ambulance ride
drugs, screaming, hand holding
crying, crying, crying
prayers, silent prayers, loud prayers
waiting, waiting, waiting
a 3.5 hour surgery
pins, screws, plates
physical therapy
non weight bearing for up to a month
unbearable pain
can't see past today
But resting in the fact that this is the plan God had for me. This was the best plan. Let Him be glorified through my weakness. May my strength be His strength... Jesus Bring the Rain
Friday, May 21, 2010
The House That Built Me
Miranda Lambert, The House That Built Me Lyrics: "know they say you can’t go home again
I just had to come back one last time
Ma’am I know you don’t know me from Adam
But these handprints on the front steps are mine
Up those stairs in that little back bedroom
Is where I did my homework and I learned to play guitar
I bet you didn’t know under that live oak
My favorite dog is buried in the yard
I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself
If I could just come in I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me
Mama cut out pictures of houses for years
From Better Homes and Gardens magazine
Plans were drawn and concrete poured
Nail by nail and board by board
Daddy gave life to mama’s dream
I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself
If I could just come in I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me
You leave home and you move on and you do the best you can
I got lost in this old world and forgot who I am
I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself
If I walk around I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me"
The Roachs are moving again! Our fourth house in eight years. I feel very military. But this is a final move. We are moving to the house I moved into when I was in first grade. The house my great grandfather built with the same hardwood floors from the early 1900's. The house with the kitchen table my great grandfather built out of an old barn door. The kitchen table that my Papa ate on, I ate on and now my little Roach's will eat on...
The list goes on with the memories and history in the house and the ones we will make...but for now we are packing to move into the House that Built Me.
I just had to come back one last time
Ma’am I know you don’t know me from Adam
But these handprints on the front steps are mine
Up those stairs in that little back bedroom
Is where I did my homework and I learned to play guitar
I bet you didn’t know under that live oak
My favorite dog is buried in the yard
I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself
If I could just come in I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me
Mama cut out pictures of houses for years
From Better Homes and Gardens magazine
Plans were drawn and concrete poured
Nail by nail and board by board
Daddy gave life to mama’s dream
I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself
If I could just come in I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me
You leave home and you move on and you do the best you can
I got lost in this old world and forgot who I am
I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself
If I walk around I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me"
The Roachs are moving again! Our fourth house in eight years. I feel very military. But this is a final move. We are moving to the house I moved into when I was in first grade. The house my great grandfather built with the same hardwood floors from the early 1900's. The house with the kitchen table my great grandfather built out of an old barn door. The kitchen table that my Papa ate on, I ate on and now my little Roach's will eat on...
The list goes on with the memories and history in the house and the ones we will make...but for now we are packing to move into the House that Built Me.
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